The Clown Has the Phone Box
by thewhitepatch
Summary: Somehow, the Joker managed to get behind the wheel of the TARDIS, and has very big plans on what to do with it. The Master and Clara form an uneasy alliance in order to restrain the Clown Prince. The question is, where is the Doctor and how could he let this happen?
1. A Broadcast

I do not own Batman or Doctor Who

* * *

_The screen cuts to a cartoon clown's face appears on the screen. The image looks nearly identical to the usual image on a joker card in a deck, aside from a few added blood stains._

_"__I'm interrupting your regularly program to show you something much more exciting!"_

_The picture cuts to a man standing in front of a colorful wall. It is the type of wall pattern that would usually be associated with the interior of a circus tent._

_A spotlight is hitting a man. The man is dressed in a purple suit with thin yellow stripes and a lime green lining. His undershirt is also yellow and his bow-tie is red. The man has green hair and a white, possibly made-up face in the style of a clown. His blood red lips don't even shimmer in the light._

_Despite his colorful exterior, there is something very off-putting about the man. His eyes are slightly bloodshot with a crazed look. His deranged, blood-shot eyes are only matched by his deranged yellow smile. _

_When he speaks, his voice matches the tone of his appearance: fitting for a clown but deranged for a man._

_"__Hello! I'm the Joker! Ever heard of me?" A pause. "No. Of corse you haven't. Odds are, if you're watching this, you're still alive!" He laughs a deranged laugh, resembling that of a hyena. _

_"__You see, I'm the kind of man who always tries to find the comedy in life. Unfortunately, modern Earth is boooring! And you poor suckers have to live here! I assumed nothing would change this meaningless existence you all lived." The clown pouts, before smiling a sinister smile._

_"__That is, until I found this little box."_

_The camera, in a shaky way, pans back, and pans around the rest of the room._

_The tent pattern is present on all of the walls and the slanted ceiling, making the room look like it is inside of a tent. However, in the center of the room is a control panel that reached up to the ceiling. It is covered in an array of buttons and levers and screens._

_"__This, ladies and gentlemen, is the most advanced mobile phone you've ever seen!" The Joker says, spreading his arms out wide in presentation. "Bigger on the inside, as the ladies say." He laughs again. "This really is the best kind of clown car anyone could ask for! And it can bring you anywhere you want!" The Joker pauses briefly "But I'm getting ahead of myself. Bring out our first guest!"_

_The camera shakes again before cutting to the Joker again, this time with a young man, tied up to a chair and gagged. He has multiple wounds on his body._

_"__Our lucky contest winner is Adam! Say hello, Adam!" Adam screams a muffled scream. "What a kidder! Adam here won a vacation with sun and sand! Here's the sand!" The clown throws a handful of sand in the man's face, causing him to clench up his face in pain and scream._

_"__And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" The Joker runs off to the center of the room to the control panel. _

_"__-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"_

_He punches a few buttons, and the room begins to violently shake. Adam's chair falls over. A strange creaking sounds fills the room, louder than the Joker's elongated vowel. The shaking- and the noise- soon stops._

_"__-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" The Joker faces the camera ans pulls out a pair of sunglasses. "-eeeere's the sun!"_

_The clown grabs Adam's chair, pulls him back up, and drags him over to a blue door on the wall. The door appears to be the door to an old fashion police box._

_The Joker opens the door._

_Outside of the door is what appears to be a large ball of fire in the middle of space._

_The clown puts a towel over Adam's shoulders. Adam is openly weeping as the Joker puts a pair of sunglasses on him._

_The Joker kicks the man into the sun. _

_"__DON'T FORGET SUNSCREEN!"_

_The Joker calmly closes the door. "Wasn't that fun? And I didn't even have to leave the solar system for that one! I have left it before, and there are a ton of far more glorious things to see!"_

_"__Now, you're probably wondering why I did that. Well, why not?!" The Joker broke out in a crazed laughter. "Well, now I want a volunteer from the audience! Audience participation. Isn't that grand?"_

_"__I am going to be landing in the middle of Cardiff today, in the middle of a field. It's gonna be the field with the blue and green box in the middle of it. If you are someone who want's to volunteer that I like, I'll let you in. Be warned: I'm VERY picky!"_

_"__Now, I want a good, honest volunteer that interests me by the end of the week, or I will simply bring all the fun of space here!" He spreads out his arms in a dramatic manner._

_"__NO FAKERS! I'm looking at you, UNIT!" He wags his finger at the camera._

_"__Really, it shouldn't be that hard to be better than Adam. Really, what a brat!"_

_"__So quick recap: I'm the Joker," the clown bows to the screen. _

_"__This is the TARDIS,"_

_He looks up, a venomously sinister look on his face.  
"And you're invited!"_

_The Clown erupts in a crazed laughter that echos even after the screen cuts to black._

* * *

I really have nothing to say. The premise is already given, so hopefully you'll understand more as it goes along.

Leave a review! This is gonna be a fun ride!


	2. The Meet Weird

_Here's the next chapter. I realize this is going to be pretty slow when it comes to updates. I'm pretty busy with school._

_I don't own stuff_

* * *

Clara was supposed to be pretty busy that day.

She had just picked up a job at a local bakery, and her boss realized how good she was at baking. That's usually a good thing, but the head baker had quit the day before, and she was picking up a lot of the slack. Not only that, but, after work, she had to go nanny the kids for the night. She had to do a lot of work to save up for her dream: a trip around the world.

If she had parents, they would probably tell her this wasn't the best long-term life plan.

However, her parents were dead.

So there's that.

She was finishing up cleaning the dishes when her life changed forever.

_**BZZZZZZWAAAARRPCRASH!**_

The sudden noise caused Clara to drop the dish she was cleaning in surprise. A blinding flash emitted from the alleyway next to the bakery.

People always told Clara that her curiosity would get the better of her, and she didn't argue with them since she knew they were right. Still, as she put on her coat to check out the alleyway, she assumed that the worst of her problems would be a burnt souffle in the oven.

If she knew what she was getting into...She probably still would have done it. She just would have prepared a little better. Maybe bring a gun. Or a wet cloth.

* * *

There was originally an old man in the ally.

He was wearing a red and gold robe, as well as the weirdest hat Clara had ever seen. It was large and wide as well as heavy-looking. It was also golden.

The man was old. He had thin gray hair and a white beard.

The man was curled up in a ball on the ground, in pain.

He was also glowing.

In retrospect, Clara realized that he wasn't really _glowing_. It looked more like golden light was leaking out of his body.

Clara slowly approached the man.

"Sir, are you-"

She stopped when he suddenly spread out his arms and exploded in a flash of golden light. She covered her eyes to avoid being blinded by the light.

She opened her eyes when the flash disappeared, and was not ready for what she saw.

There was a man in the ally.

A new, young man.

He was wearing the same cloths as the old man, but he now had brunette hair and a stubbly face.

The man looked around, taking off his hat. He tossed it over to a nearby trash can, and began o disrobe.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Clara said in surprise, as the man took off his robe. He put the discarded robe into the dumpster as well. Luckily, he was wearing a smaller tunic under the robe.

He looked over at Clara. "Food. Now."

Clara considered denying the man food. However, that would probably make him go away, and she couldn't risk that. She knew that she would have to find out what just happened, and the best way to do that was to pick the mind of the man who transformed.

"Alright." She said, looking at the man suspiciously. "I'll have to put something in the oven. I'll try to find something for you to wear, too. You look like a freak."

"Fine." the man replied curtly.

Clara was annoyed at the man's rudeness. However, he would probably start talking once he had a piece of her mother's famous souffle

* * *

Or not.

A small part of Clara's mind, the part that watched far too many RomComs, had assumed that this would wind up being one of those wacky romances that would send her on a fun little journey.

To be fair, she got a few parts right, just in a far different context.

But that's getting ahead of ourselves.

The television was droning on in the background of the bakery as Clara finished mixing up the dough for her souffle

The man from the ally was sitting at a table by himself. She had given him some jeans and a black hoodie that had been left by some customers. She wasn't sure how somebody could forget their pants, but they came in hands, so she wasn't complaining

The bakery wasn't that large, so it wasn't as though she was being anti-social. If anything, HE was the one being antisocial. He was staring at his hand, as though he didn't recognize them. He appeared to be deep in thought. He was not responding to anything she said whenever she tried to start a conversation.

"So are you from around here?"

No reaction.

"You have a really strange taste in clothes."

Nothing, although she did just kinda insult him, so she couldn't really blame him.

"Have you got a name or anything?"

Nada.

"Care to explain the whole 'glowing-old-man' thing?"

She knew he wouldn't answer at that point. He was just staring at his hands.

Or he was crazy. If he was, it was probably too late to do anything about it.

Clara considered she might be too passive about the fact that he might be a crazy maniac.

She then realized that she had left the bowl of dough on the stranger's table, along with a half box of eggs.

She went to retrieve it when she saw the second strangest thing she saw that day:

The man was simply eating the uncooked dough.

With his hands.

He didn't seem to have any issue with the fact that it wasn't cooked or anything. As Clara stared at him, he took an egg out of the box and at it whole.

Clara managed to find her tongue as he crunched on the egg-shell.

"The crap?"

Whatever conversation that would have potentially began about the man's eating habits (although, since the last few attempts of conversation didn't work out well, there was no reason this one should) was cut off when the television, which had droned the news beforehand, cut to a bloodstained picture.

_"I'm interrupting your regularly program to show you something much more exciting!"_

* * *

After the Joker was finished delivering his message, the TV cut back to the confused newscasters.

Clara didn't think that whatever the broadcast was about was her problem...

...but for some reason...she felt...something...

The strange train of thought was interrupted when she looked over at the stranger. He was staring at the TV with an expression of surprise Suddenly, he grinned a smile that could match the Joker's in terms of maliciousness.

Then he spoke.

"Change of plans, then."

He stood up and began to walk out of the bakery, before turning around and walking over to Clara.

"Do you have a car?"

Clara raised an eyebrow at the strange man, who was now pretty talkative.

"Yes? Are you going to...?"

"Go to the box? Meet the Clown?" The man said. "Of course. And you are coming with me!"

Clara looked at the man, surprised. "What would even give you that idea?!"

"Am I wrong?"

Clara thought about it. There was something about the Joker...or was it the box...whatever it was, it was something from completely off of this world. If she missed out on seeing this, there would be nothing in the world that could make up for it.

"Fine." she finally said. "But," she added. "You have to tell me your original plan and your name."

The man nodded, still smiling a disturbingly charming smile. "Very well."

"I am the Master of all things, and that matters to you was that my original plan was to kill you."

* * *

_Cards on the table, Clara might be the worst part of this story. I have my reasons of using her for the story, and they will make sense later, but right now, just put up with my crappy writing. _

_It's gonna be mainly her and the Master for the next few chapters, so he going to do his hardest to pick up the entertaining slack._

_Please leave a review and enjoy your time before the next update! _


	3. Get Things Straight

_So this is the first time I've used a Google Doc to write something like this, so it might seem different. Or not._

_Don't own._

* * *

"So, you were going to kill me?!" Clara asked again, anger and disbelief still prevalent in her tone.

"Yeah, at the time." The Master replied. "Still might. Never know."

"Don't kill me!" she replied, more in annoyance than in fear.

"I'm just pulling your strings! You're the only one that can get me to the Box!"

"Because I can drive?"

"Because I can't think of anybody stupid enough to drive somebody who just threatened to kill them." He said, tapping on the window.

_Tap-Tap Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap Tap-Tap,Tap-Tap Tap-Tap_

The Master had a fair point. Even after being told he would have originally murdered her before hearing about the Joker, Clara still agreed to take him to the Box. It spoke more about here own curiosity then foolishness. Also, Clara was pretty sure the Master was the only one who knew what the Box was, and that might be useful.

Which was why she was driving him to the Box.

She wasn't sure why she was so determined to find the Box, but it might have had something to do with a sense of adventure. At least, that was what she was telling herself.

The ride was going to take a few hours, so she decided to make conversation with The Master.

"What would killing me have accomplished anyway?"

"Oh, nothing. I would just need to get rid of you because you witness my regeneration. I would have went on the climb the social ladder of your human society and rule it with an iron fist. What was it England has? A president? Or is it still a king? It would be so much easier if I just had to woo some princess and kill some successors!"

There was a lot of information to process from that statement, so Clara decided to pick the one related to something that had bothered her for a while.

"Regeneration? You mean that glowing thing from the ally? What was that, anyway?"

"You seem like a bright girl. You figure it out." The Master replied, in a condescending tone. "Who do you think the old man in the ally was?"

"...Oh." Clara said, after thinking for a few seconds. "How...What the hell are you?"

"Time Lord."

"...Should I know what that is?"

"You SHOULD, but you don't." The Master rolled his eyes. "Humans. Always a step behind the rest of the universe. He probably hung out around here all the time because he felt clever."

"Who?"

"Why are we always talking about me?" The Master suddenly asked. "Tell me about yourself, Clara."

"...Ok then. Well, I'm a fan of travel, but-"

"Oh! Wait!" He interrupted "I remember now! It's because you're boring, and I'm very interesting!"

Clara groaned. "Look, who were you talking about beforehand?"

"Oh. Right. **Him.**" The Master hissed, venom in his voice. "He calls himself 'The Doctor'. I'm surprised that he's not that promoted around here. He's done a lot for you people."

"Wait, wha-" Clara paused to organize her thoughts. "...The Doctor? Really?"

"I know! What a stupid name! You get to choose your name, so I have no idea why he would choose that!"

"Actually, I was going to say I was noticing the pattern. I think it says more about you that you chose 'The Master'."

"Ha Ha." The Master muttered, as Clara giggled. "Anyway, odds are you'll see him soon enough. The Box is his."

"But I thought The Joker-"

"Probably stole it from him. Not that impressive. I've done it plenty of times before. Now, what we got to do is get to the box before he gets to it, which will be tricky, since I don't know what he looks like."

"How could you-" Clara stopped herself. "Regeneration." she said.

"Right." The Master said. "Last time I saw the Doctor, we were fighting a war. IT was a pretty big and deadly war. Odds are he regenerated at some point during the war."

"What happened with the war?"

"Hell if I know. That's was where I was before I got here. Due to time travel, the war is probably over by now. If that Box is here, that means he survived it." The Master continued. "SO we have to get to the box before him, kick the clown out, and I'll take."

"For what?" Clara asked.

"World domination." The Master replied.

"Alright then." Clara said, smirking to herself. "So do you want to stop for anything?"

The Master looked at Clara, studying her. He then said. "Pull over to that station. I need some jerky."

* * *

Clara did as the Time Lord said. After she parked in front of the store, the Master got out of the car.

"Get me some gum!" She shouted over to him as he entered to car.

She observed the Master as he walked around the store. He walked over to the shelf with the jerky packets, and grabbed a half-dozen of them. The cashier didn't notice due to the fact that he was half asleep. The Master walked over to the cash register and grabbed several packets of gum.

It suddenly occurred to Clara that the Master probably didn't have any money on him.

The cashier was making a fuss to the Master, who was simply looking at him. The Master, meanwhile, was taking out some sort of pen out of his pocket.

A red beam shot out of the pen, causing the cashier to collapse.

Clara yelped in surprise as the Master dashed out of the store and back into the car.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" she shouted.

"You better drive. The fuzz is probably on the way, and I just killed a guy."

"WHY?!"

"Because you weren't taking me seriously." The Master replied, turning to face Clara with a dark look on his face. "Let's be clear. I am going to take over the world. I am going to kill people. I am not some funny pretty boy. Don't try to think you're smarter then me. You aren't. And remember: I am the only person who has any idea what's going on, and I. Am. Insane."

"Now stop talking and get me to the Box."

Clara remained silent for the rest of the car ride.

The Master was also silent, aside from his constant tapping on the window.

_Tap-Tap Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap Tap-Tap, Tap-Tap Tap-Tap,Tap-Tap Tap-Tap_

* * *

_I know things seem kinda weak now, but let me assure you, there are chapters coming up that will be worth trudging through this crap. _

_When all the Batman stuff gets involved, things will get interesting. I just wanted to introduce this team up and how it would work. _

_The Master is really just as charming as the Doctor, but is much more insane._

_Also, I might be simultaneously starting and sinking the Clara/Master ship._

_That is all. For now._


	4. Into the Box

_Alright! next Chapter! Feels kinda rushed! Let's go!_

_Don't Own!_

* * *

One time, a few years ago, Clara borrowed a friend's car for a five-hour drive. Unfortunately, the radio was broken. It had an old tape stuck in it, and would only play "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" on a loop when the car was on. Needless to say, it was the worst car ride she had ever had.

Her drive with the Master was far worse, obviously.

Not because he had openly stated that he wasn't above killing her. Not because he actually had just murdered a random guy. Not because he had the stupidest taste in music, and was completely anal about the radio.

Here was a being that she assumed had seen countless other worlds that she would not even begin to fathom, met creatures that looked inconceivable to the human eye, had experiences she probably would not begin to relate to.

And he spent the entire car ride talking about himself.

The Master saw himself as the most amazing thing ever created. So why would he not share that with the weak-minded being?

Clara was relieved beyond words when she pulled up to the hill. Representatives from news channels, the military, the police, something called UNIT, and other random vehicles for things Clara didn't even know surrounded the hill, blocking view of the Box.

She got out of the car. The Master stepped out of the car and stood next to her, looking up at the hill.

"Do they really have no idea what that is at this point?" The Master asked. "I mean, the clown is only human. Even with that fine piece of technology, how could it take them this long to get him?"

"Don't know. Don't care." Clara grumbled. "Need coffee."

As they walked up the up the hill, approaching the crowd, Clara mumbled, "Don't kill anyone."

"If they get in my way, no promises."

Clara had plenty of reasons why that wasn't a sound argument, given what she's seen him do and what he has done. However, she stopped herself when she noticed that one of the news teams had set up a coffee table.

The Master, surprisingly, waited for her to make a cup for herself before continuing up the hill.

"I don't understand why you would need that stuff." the Master said. "You don't seem particularly tired, which is what it's normally for."

"YOU didn't have to spend the last two hours listening to you talk." Clara said, taking a sip of the coffee.

The Master chuckled darkly to himself. "If that annoyed you, you wouldn't last five minutes in my mind…" Clara was about to ask him what he meant, but they had already found an opening in the crowd around the box.

The Box looked like a old blue police box. It looked like somebody had begun painting the outside of it green and purple, but they never finished the job. It lead to a strange combination of blue, green and purple.

A group of armed members of what Clara assumed was the military was slowly approaching the Box. She was hesitant to call them military only because their uniforms said UNIT on the back.

The UNIT group made it halfway to the Box when they were blown up on the spot.

"_I thought I told you: NO UNIT!" _A voice- Joker's voice- yelled from the Box. "_Sheesh! You would these people would have learned by now!"_

There was a collective silence from the crowd. Eventually, the crowd resumed what they were doing, having become somewhat used to the failure of approaching the Box.

Clara looked at the Master. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Any bright, snobby alien ideas about how to avoid getting blown up?"

"Remember what I told you."

"Right. Sorry. Any bright, psychopathic, murderous, full-of-yourself Time Lord ideas about how to avoid getting blown up?"

"Just one." The Master said, before walking toward the Box. Surprised by his move, Clara hesitated before following him.

If you asked her why, she honestly wouldn't know. She just did.

The rest of the crowd was not paying attention to the two. It would seem that they were not the first people to independently approach the Box. That didn't mean that the others were successful, though.

The Master stopped halfway to the Box. There was silence, before the disturbing voice seeped out of the Box.

"_Now why should I let you and girly in?"_

The Master was silent for a few second, before smiling a cocky smile.

"I'm the Master."

There was silence from the Box. The Master kept his cocky look.

Then there was laughter. Horrible laughter.

Clara would have laughed herself as she watched the Master's expression change from cocky to angry. However, she was a bit more worried about the fact that she was going to die soon.

"_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...HAHAHAH...HAHA...ha…" _The laughter began to subside. "_You…You really call yourself that! And they call ME a clown! HAHAHAHA!" _There was a bit of a pause. "_Alright! You won me over with your idiotic charm! Get in here, kids!"_

The doors to the Box opened.

The Master quickly walked right through them. Clara followed behind him, trying to comprehend what just happened and why she wasn't dead. She looked behind her and noticed that the crowd was starting to get a little more worked up. Made sense, considering that they might have been the first people into the Box.

Clara had a feeling that might not be true.

She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice that she had walked right into the Box.

The Master watched her as she looked around their new surroundings.

"It's...It's…" She said. "...It's a lot longer in here then I thought."

They were standing in the middle of a narrow hallway. There was a door in front of them with two buttons next to it.

"The TARDIS can decide where you enter it. Usually it just dumps you right in the control center, but i think the clown might have redecorated."

"_I have! Thank you for noticing!" _ The clown's voice echoed through the hall. "_Now, just push the button and open the door to continue."_

"Which button?" Clara asked.

"_That's the fun part! One of the buttons opens the door, but the other one blows up all the bombs I've been using outside! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-"_

"Alright then." The Master pushed both buttons.

_**BOOOOOOM!**_

The door opened.

Clara gasped in horror for a few seconds, before turning angrily to the Master.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE COULD HAVE DIED?!"

"It was obvious that, no matter which button we pushed, it would blow up the bombs. That's what I would do, if I were into these sort of games."

"_These games are delightful! You should try them out sometime! This is going to be much more fun than I anticipated!" _The Joker chimed.

The Master looked over at Clara. "You over it?"

Clara glared at the Time Lord. "I hate you."

"I've noticed."

"Give me one good reason not to kill you now." Clara heard herself say.

The Master looked at her, before laughing. Oddly, the Joker's laughter filled the room as well.

"_Oh, spunky one you got there! I should warn you, I like em __**murderous!**_"

The Master stopped laughing. He held up three fingers. "I'll give you three reasons."

"The first reason is that there is no way you are capable of murder yet. You were working in a bakery less than twelve hours ago! You can't be that ready to stab someone. Unless you have a lot of pent of rage, which you might.

"The second reason," The Master said, counting down, "is that, if you kill me, I'll just regenerate. Believe me, I am by far the most sociable of my regenerations. Definitely an odd one out. My next form could be much less…friendly."

"Third reason: You want to be here. I'm the only one who knows how all this works, so you will follow me until we reach an impasse."

Clara continued glaring at him. "I still hate you."

The Master looked right into her eyes, staring her down. "I understand that. We have the same goal now, but eventually , we will be on different sides. I believe that this will end with one of us standing over the other's dead body. And I don't mean to be placing bets," The Master smiled a smile that could almost match the Joker's TV smile, "but I have quite a few lives."

The two glared at each other. The Master suddenly smiled, and turned around to head through the door. Clara, scowling, followed him.

"_Now I officially welcome you to my Timey-Wimey Fun House!"_

* * *

_That escalated quickly._

_Well, now that the Joker's in the story, things can speed up._

_You may have recognized a few blatant references in this story. If you can point them out, you win my respect._

_I just read over that last bit, and I realized that I might have just put something into motion that I didn't realize, but makes complete sense to happen as well as absolutely no sense. I'll tell you when I don't think it's a spoiler._

_Alright, if you are a regular fan of my work, you'll know I am switching off between this and Wayward Son. However, after this is posted, I am just going to write a GTAV one-shot that's been bouncing around in my head. It's an AU where Trevor and Michael switch living situations. I don't want to spoil the plot to GTAV if you haven't played it, but if you have, you might know what I'm talking about. _

_Wow, that was a lot of endnote. I kinda have a bad habit of making these things quasi-blog posts._

_See you next update!_


End file.
